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Life Together

To My Daughter, On Her 16th Birthday

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My last blog post was titled “Why Sane People Talk To Themselves, Part 1“, subtly hinting that a “Part 2” hid just around the corner and would leap out at the next opportune moment. Obviously, no “Part 2” is included in the title of this blog post. Please forgive me for indulging my fatherly affections instead. In the hopes of not alienating all of you who were perched like cats at the milk dish, please be assured that misleading you was completely justified. I thought it only appropriate that after a week-long celebration of my eldest daughter’s 16th birthday, I should interrupt my regular blog posts with a short blessing for her. Here’s hoping you’ll be blessed too.

Dear Daughter,

Here’s my birthday wish for you, dear:

“Tightly-folded bud,

I have wished you something

None of the others would:

Not the usual stuff

About being beautiful,

Or running off a spring

Of innocence and love-

They will all wish you that,

And should it prove possible,

Well, you’re a lucky girl.

But if it shouldn’t, then

May you be ordinary;

Have, like other women,

An average of talents:

Not ugly, not good-looking,

Nothing uncustomary

To pull you off your balance,

That, unworkable itself,

Stops all the rest from working.

In fact, may you be dull-

If that is what a skilled,

Vigilant, flexible,

Unemphasised, enthralled

Catching of happiness is called.”

–“Born Yesterday” by Philip Larkin

The Poisonous Stimulant: love vs. fear

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This post will be short because today’s principle is simple, but life-changing. Here it is:

Love trumps fear every time.

I’ve heard it said that we are born with only two fears: a fear of falling and a fear of loud noises. Every other fear is accumulated, constructed by our experience. What sway those fears have over us! Even more so, what power is wielded by those who would motivate by fear. Evidence of motivation by fear abounds. Much of our educational system, for example, is grounded on fear. Instead of nurturing a child’s natural desire to learn, we beat him from behind with a stick called “grades.” Now we may have some high performing students (maybe), but their fear of failure drives them into a kind of mania. Meanwhile, the other students grow more apathetic by the day because they have nothing to love.

Christians, of all people, should see the folly in this. Even non-believers like Lawrence of Arabia saw how corrosive such fear can be. He roundly criticized one of the military leaders for relying on fear to motivate: “Years before, he had published his confession of faith in Fear as the common people’s main incentive to action in war and peace. Now I found fear a mean, overrated motive; no deterrent, and, though a stimulant, a poisonous stimulant, whose every injection served to consume more of the system to which it was applied.”

Lawrence saw that we are stimulated to action by fear, but he also recognized that fear corroded everything within the system. He knew that love is a more lasting motivation, so he inspired his troops with something noble and good to love. In other words, he fed their imagination with transcendent desires. Their victories are now the stuff of legend.

Love trumps fear every time.

Where is this applicable? Everywhere:

  • Students: loving the material will make grades obsolete. Aim higher.
  • Parents: spend less time driving them with the hounds. Instead, inspire your kids to love something, to aim for something noble. Aim higher.
  • Boss: your employees will work twice as hard for someone who inspires them and loves them. Productivity and quality correlate to the quality and intensity of love involved. Aim higher.
  • Friendships: stop worrying whether your friends like you. If you like them, they’ll probably like you too. And if they’re that fickle, you should probably find better friends. Aim higher.
  • Discipleship: yes, we should fear God. It is, after all, the beginning of wisdom. But it is the quality of our love for him that decides what we think, what we do, what we say, and how we spend our lives. Aim higher.

So what can we learn from Lawrence of Arabia? At least this one thing: motivation by fear is convenient and cheap, but it might cost everything in the long run. And that’s one more reason why Paul wrote “these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love” (I Cor. 13:13). Love drove Paul to his own crucifixion (as vividly portrayed by Caravaggio in the above image) and it is love that drives us to imitate him.

Yes, indeed, love trumps fear every time! Aim higher.

Born This Way (or what Lady Gaga got half right)

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Let me begin with a short confession: the secrets you are about to read expose me for what I really am. I am a self-centered and indulgent little man with very narrow desires and I will throw a flaming fit if I don’t get my way. It’s true. To make matters worse, I was born this way.

I know, I know. I shouldn’t allude to a song that was released in 2011. That was SO last week, man. But I heard it on the radio the other day and so it obviously has some trending power left. Whether or not Lady Gaga is in vogue anymore, she at least got the title to her song nailed.

The Song, “Born This Way” preaches the age old doctrine of self-indulgence: be what you want and do what you want because you’re beautiful.

The poor woman thinks she’s swimming against the current. Sorry, honey, but we’ve been singing that song since Cain; in fact, every one of us entered the world singing the same old tune: give me what I want and give it to me now. I was no different. While my infant cry was first heard in Tucson, Arizona, I was scampering barefoot in Kenya, Africa before my sixth birthday. No, I was not consulted prior to such a drastic geographical change. In a strange career move, Dad secured a post as a missionary doctor in rural Africa. The small hospital was located at the base of Mt. Elgon and the view was amazing. I could scamper a few houses down and look over a wide valley that spread its agrarian patchwork quilt over the distant Ugandan border.

Even in the lap of such natural beauty, my little heart roiled with rage. I raged at the sky for its unfamiliar moods. I raged at the clay earth for the slapping sound it made under my feet. I raged at the dark people who hovered at the living room window and ran their fingers through my hair when I ventured out. They laughed at my strange whiteness and I recoiled from myself.

So one evening when my heart was hot and heavy with languor, while I swung on the metal gate that separated the hospital compound from the girl’s boarding school, I spotted a neighbor lady stooping outside her door. She seemed a ready and easy target for all my childhood anger so I took sticks from the ground and hurled them at her with all my little strength. I’m not sure what I hoped to achieve, except perhaps for the venting of the internal heat, but I remember the surprise that halted all my rage like a sudden cold shower when she braved the raining sticks and strode at me. Her strength and speed paralyzed me and before I could gather my courage off the ground, she had me by the back of the neck and was hauling me to our front porch. I bristled under the shame of being caught while my mother’s heart curled into a fetal position.

Rage finds rage and so I was easily befriended by a boy who lived next to the hospital. Giant rats lived under his house, rats we later killed with shovels and clubs, but there were also rats in the cellar of his heart and those are always the hardest to kill. I too had rats in my cellar and so I didn’t mind the scurrying feet across broken glass when we were together. He was my first tutor in all things fleshly, teaching me a Godless human anatomy and the sour words that best fit my rage. Being a child, I outpaced my parents in language studies, and once again the neighbors came bearing bad news that Benjamin was shouting swear words from the top of the Avocado tree.

In my defense, I did not know the literal translation of those Swahili words, but I was a good student when I wanted to be and I knew enough to feel the gratification that comes from brashly saying what should not be said. It was one more way to strain against my circumstances and foist my desires upon an indifferent world.

My rigid self-gratification oriented my outlook on life, other people, and even God and his purpose in my life. The small cinderblock affair that I called home had metal slates over each window, cris-crossing to make squares about twelve inches across. Every Sunday, with a handful of Sundays thrown in to keep my parents off the scent, I left one window unlatched and during Sunday school I would excuse myself to scamper home. With practice I became proficient at pulling myself up and shimming first my shoulders and then my waist through that little opening. After that, it was a hop, skip, and a jump to the kitchen pantry where my mother kept the candy jar on the top shelf. I covered my tracks well, or so I thought (my parents eventually caught me and to this day I don’t know how), and returned to Sunday School with no one the wiser.

Things haven’t changed much. I suppose I don’t throw sticks at people any more or steal candy from my parent’s pantry or swear from the top of trees, but the small desires are still there. I still want my own way and I still get angry when I don’t get it. Yes, Lady, I was born this way. And I am this way even though I am a Christian, waving the Christian flag, and covered by the blood of Christ.

Lady Gaga celebrates this age old tendency to want our own way. Christ,however, did not and neither should we. Christ came to save us from it. He came to give us new desires. He came to give us new birth.

  • I need the Gospel: I need it preached to me every day.

  • I need to be forgiven: I need to absorb the blood of Christ into every corner of my life.
  • I need bigger desires: I need to look beyond these childish desires and fix my eyes on the desires God has for me.

Christ gave me new birth, new desires. It’s true. I’m a new man and, yes, I suppose I was born this way. That, Lady, is worth celebrating.

Make 2014 The Best Year Yet: Practice Doxology

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We live in The Therapeutic Age, an era marked by a fixation on social, emotional, and psychic well-adjustment, often in that order. Self-improvement is the special-of-the-day. We worship a therapeutic God, reformed into an image of ourselves, and we lap up “tips to a better you” like a deer pants in the desert. The consequences for this fixation are myriad and I suppose I’ll try to thumb-war this therapeutic age at some point, but today’s post is unashamedly therapeutic. Today, I join all those millions of others who offer “tips to making 2014 your best year EVER!” I gladly stole this little gem from J.I. Packer.

Tip: practice doxology.

A “doxology” is a short song of praise.
And “practice” means intentional repetition.

The most common doxology is, of course, The Doxology, but don’t limit your imagination to The Doxology when practicing. Any short and direct song of praise to God is a doxology. The church has a rich storehouse of these, if you’re stumped, but you can make it up as well.

Sound childish? It is. One of the best traits children have is the desire to sing…all of the time. Have you heard a child singing a made up song to God lately? Imitate him. He’s practicing doxology.

God doesn’t need our praise, but he asks us to praise him because he knows that practicing doxology is important for us.

It does three important things:

  • Practicing doxology cleanses us from the black bile called pride. It forces us out of the prison of our tiny little selves and into the open sunshine of God’s face.

  • Practicing doxology shapes us into the likeness of Christ. We become more and more like little Christs, whose life was and still is a praise to God, the Father.

  • Practicing doxology not only shapes us, but it also has a shaping affect on others. Our practice draws others out of themselves.

And that, in short, is one of the best tips to a better you. Want “your best year ever”?
Be intentional. Practice.
Praise God more.
After all, we’re practicing for eternity where doxology will be the air we breath.
Can’t wait.

The Great Rail Switch: “But”

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The smallest word packs the biggest punch; in this case, it’s an absolute game changer.

You and I could use an imaginative shift, a new way of seeing things, and reclaiming “But” is an easy place to start. Here’s why.

“But” is the great rail switch that changes the trajectory of relationships in a heartbeat.

A few weeks ago, my daughter broke a plate. Well, the floor broke the plate and my daughter could have prevented the ceramic explosion. Not a big deal in light of the long history we call “catastrophe.” Still, it was sudden, loud, and meant some unwanted cleanup–a kind of cherry on top to celebrate a week of klutziness that included a daily milk spill. I was done with it all and I had a thousand excuses justifying my verbal explosion handy. I sent her to the back room, a place dedicated for criminal prosecution, and waited a few minutes to clean up the mess and “calm down.” What I was actually doing was working through my case, preparing myself to serve as judge, jury, and executioner.

All my files were prepared and duly rehearsed when I opened the door. Slumped, weary, tears still streaming down her face, she spoke as soon as I entered: “Daddy, would you please forgive me for breaking the plate…and…and…for just being careless all week?”

All my arguments dissolved in a rush of pity and gratefulness. Here I had everything I really wanted: a humble daughter who recognized her carelessness and wanted reconciliation. No belligerent self-justifying. I sat next to her and she clung to me, sobbing. “I forgive you,” I said quietly and then I just held her. We were good. Everything was as it ought to be.

And then it happened.

While I held her, my judge’s sentiments started gathering all those files off the floor and putting on the powdered wig again. Instead of leaving things alone, I spoke: “Honey (a warning shot across the bow), look at me.” She did. “I want you to know that I forgive you…but…I need you to be more responsible.”

“…but…” In that instant, I saw a change in her eyes. One second she saw her fault and was ready to turn the corner; the next second, I saw condemnation in her eyes: “You said you forgave me,” they seemed to say, “but you don’t really forgive me, do you?” And she was right. I hadn’t really forgiven her.

You see, I falsely imagined a world in which small words like “but” don’t really matter, forgetting that the word “but” is the great rail switch. In this case…

The train was headed toward grace and reconciliation…but…now it was moving toward estrangement and self-justification. Who’d have thunk it!

Maybe I’m not alone. Maybe you and I need to imagine a world of relationships in which the word “but” serves as the great game changer–both positively and negatively. After all, God used it: we were still sinners, but Christ died for us (Romans 5:8 my simplified version). The train was headed for Hell…but…Christ died for me.

We all want reconciliation. None of us really wants alienation. “But” is the rail switch that will send the relationship toward either reconciliation or alienation, depending on when it’s used.

Here are some common ways we use the word “but” and you can imagine where each one sends the train:

  • “I forgive you, but stop _________ (fill in the blank).”

  • “You hurt me when you said that, but I forgive you.”

  • “Yes, you were unfaithful to me, but I will never leave you.”

  • “I lost your stuff, but it wasn’t my fault.”

  • “I wanted to get the job done, but I didn’t have time.”

  • “I’d listen to you, but I’m tired.”

You see? The smallest word can pack the biggest punch. Parents (shucks, who am I kidding?), people who want strong relationships pay attention to how they use the word “but”.

Coming Attractions:

The next blog post will discuss the benefits of drowning. Curious?

How To Make Your Kid A Millionaire

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If you want to be a millionaire, you have to be good at anticipating (or so rumor has it). Millionaires aren’t caught by surprise because they’ve planned ahead. They’ve prepared for any contingency. The same principle is true for those who want to live a rich life: they anticipate.

If you want your kid to live a richer life than the average Britney, then teach her to anticipate.

Buckle up. This blog post will be a fast drive, but by the end you should know why anticipating is important and I’ll provide you with specific areas in which your kids should anticipate if they want to live a rich life.

I heard it rumored that Tiger Woods has nailed a sixty foot putt. A Tiger Woods fanatic could correct me, but it wouldn’t surprise me if it were true. I’ve seen him putt. Besides his fist pump, his crouch behind putter to eye the green has become an iconic image of golf. The dude knows how to read the dips and rise in a golf green. If I hit a sixty foot putt we call it luck. If Tiger hits a sixty foot putt, it’s because he’s anticipated the line of the putt really well. But his anticipation is not limited to the green. He anticipates the wind, the high grass, the traps, and the hole itself even when he can’t see the hole from the tee.

Golf is a game of anticipation and Tiger Woods is a master of the game. Life is also a game of anticipation and if you want your kids to be winners, then teach them to anticipate like the masters do.

We make the mistake of thinking that simple obedience is all the kids need to think about. In so doing, we don’t equip them to thrive in life. Yes, obedience is important. Anticipating is more important.

Maybe it’s time we taught our kids to deliberately imagine possibilities so that they can win at the game of life.

We want our kids to win the game of life. Anticipating in these areas will help them do just that:

  • Anticipate temptation: winning kids anticipate where they might face temptation and they anticipate what they will do when faced with temptation. They are able to avoid the temptation entirely if they anticipate it. If the temptation surprises them, then they have at least anticipated a way out. When Joseph fled the slut with nothing but his birthday suit on, we should recognize that he probably didn’t make that decision in the moment. He knew what he would do in that situation long before the situation presented itself. If our kids think they’ll be strong without planning ahead, then they’re cooked.

  • Anticipate need: winning kids anticipate where they might be able to fill a need. Instead of waiting for Mom to tell them what to do, they anticipate her need. Imagine the Mom whose kids are doing what she wanted before she even asks them to! And this anticipation isn’t limited to Mom. Kids can do this with each other, with neighbors, with yard work, and passing food at dinner. This kind of anticipation will make them a real asset in a world of massive need.

  • Anticipate opportunity: winning kids anticipate the open doors that will lead them to a fuller life. Many of us spend our days reacting and, therefore, miss the opportunities that might make our life richer. Financial opportunities, spiritual opportunities, relational opportunities will pass us and our children by if we aren’t anticipating them. We want our kids to live with eyes wide open.

Do you want your kids to be like Ben Palpant on the golf course or like Tiger Woods on the golf course? One is sometimes lucky (but spends most of his time yelling “Fore!” and hiding behind trees) while the other is deliberate.

Teach your kids to live life deliberately. Teach them to anticipate.

One last reminder: all this anticipation will be for naught if they anticipate out of fear. If they anticipate failure, they’ll likely fail. If they anticipate in hope, then they’ll look forward to whatever God has in store for them.

Future Attractions:

Next week we’ll discuss the word “but” (…not “butt) and how such a small word can absolutely change a life. Can’t wait!

Five Common Imaginative Parenting Mistakes And How To Avoid Them

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I wrote in another blog post that “parents who don’t harness the imagination will be held hostage by it.” Meaning, they’re either intentional about how they see/imagine things or they’re not. Unintentional imagining can have unimaginable consequences.

Parents who are held hostage by their imagination often imprison their children for life.

[This image is a classic photo of Harry Houdini, from Wikipedia.]

The way we imagine the world dictates most of our choices. Take this simple example: Oscar Wilde lived as though no higher court existed to judge the morality of his pleasurable pursuits. Rosaria Butterfield, however, lives as though God will judge her choices. Each one imagines a different world and each one lives accordingly.

So it makes sense that how parents imagine their relationship with their children or the future of that relationship will impact the choices they make. Those parents who are afraid of losing their children, for example, will likely make decisions that keep their children stiflingly close. Parents like that are held hostage by their imagination and their parenting lacks the cruciform shape of love.

As a result, they flounder through parenting and establish relational habits in the home that will likely imprison their children in those habits for life.

We make lots of imaginative mistakes as parents, but here are five very common ones made by fearful parents.

  • Mistake #1: Trying to be groovy
    Moms who dress like their teenage prom queen embarrass their daughters and the rest of us too.

  • Mistake #2: Indulging Little Brandy’s Appetite
    Dads who are too soft to say “No” every time Brandy looks pleadingly into his eyes and holds up something new to buy will leave Brandy a slave to her appetites forever. Whenever I wanted something new, the latest tape cassette for example (I know, cutting edge technology!), my dad told me he’d let me buy it in one month. Pretty good advice. My appetite usually changed two weeks later even though I could see through his ploy.

  • Mistake #3: Counting to 77
    Lenient discipline takes many forms, but one common form is counting. Counting to 10 or 77 doesn’t seem to matter so long as Junior stops his tantrum at the last second…and he will. Maybe. Why not eliminate the pain on both sides and discipline him before you start making threats. Teach him to count using different methods. Have him count candy.

  • Mistake #4: Leaving the life grooves to the kids
    Kids who eat chocolate for breakfast every day will develop life-long taste buds for only chocolate in the morning. That’s a life groove. Every groove shapes us…in this case, literally.
    Chocolate takes many forms.
    Run with that metaphor for awhile.

  • Mistake #5: Making conversation an event
    If conversation between Dad and Dylan feels stilted, then it isn’t happening enough to become a natural part of life. So Dad, usually impelled by Mom, makes it more awkward because he only knows how to talk Jock with Dylan. Anything more meaningful sounds like they’re both learning phonetically again. Conversation with the kids should be natural, like breathing, but many parents make it a big deal. Food, friends, faith, freedom, fishing, and flies should be easy to discuss. Even the “big topic” shouldn’t be an event. Sex is a great part of life. Talk about it as though it really is great…something too valuable to sell cheaply. The bottom line of Deuteronomy 6:7 is this: Talking isn’t a big deal. Just do it.

What are the solutions to avoiding these common mistakes? What helps us harness our imaginations so that we can liberate our kids and ourselves?

1. Prayer: pray for your kids and pray for yourselves. Don’t just pray for change. That’s our default prayer. Pray blessings over your children.

2. Read God’s promises about your children. They are imaginative telescopes. Put the kiddy binoculars down and learn to see further.

3. Stop living in fear: remind yourself that the goal of parenting is NOT that the kids like you. The goal of parenting is leading our little ones to Christ.

Coming Attractions:

The next blog post is titled: “How To Make Your Child A Millionaire.” Do I have your attention now? I can’t wait to share it with you.

In the meantime, what are some resources that have helped you overcome your parenting mistakes? Are there particular Scripture verses that have encouraged you along the way? I’d love to hear from you.

Strategies and Techniques Aren’t Enough

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Paul Tripp provides some vision training with this great quote and I think it will help not just with parenting, but with all our relationships:

“People struggling with life in a fallen world often want explanations when what they really need is imagination. They want strategies, techniques, and principles because they simply want things to be better. But God offers much more.


People need to look at their families, neighbors, friends, cities, jobs, history, and churches, and see the kingdom. They need imagination–the ability to see what is real but unseen. This is what Paul fixed his gaze on (II Cor. 4). They need to look at a city and see the glorious company of the redeemed being gathered, amidst a brutal spiritual battle, to live in union with God.

They need to look at their children and see a Redeemer pursuing their hearts for his own.

They need to scan history and see God accomplishing his purpose. People need to see the shining hope of human existence: people can know, love, and serve God.

They can commune with him forever and form a community of love that is possible no other way.”

Paul Tripp, Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands

Do you have any quotes or stories that have helped you imagine parenting or friendship by a different light? Please share. I’d love to hear from you.