This post would not be dedicated to the truth if I did not begin with a caveat: the goal of parenting is NOT to get your children to like you. The goal of parenting is to lead them to Christ every day, all day; therefore, good parents say and do things that kids would rather avoid. Still, people usually follow others they like and I think its possible to have the best of both worlds. Parents can say and do hard things and still be liked by their kids. So here’s a helpful way to re-imagine your relationship with your child.

If you want your teenager to like you (and I’m assuming you do), then you must like him.

Let me explain why you must like your child, teen age or otherwise, if you want to be liked and I’ll provide some ideas (certainly not an exhaustive list) for fostering like-ability.

A dog is not always a boy’s best friend. I heard of a boy and his dog who hated each other with an everlasting hatred. I don’t know who disliked the other first, but it was shortly apparent that ill-will was mutually felt. One Saturday morning, the dog pawed at the boy’s door and whined until the boy, wondering if perhaps the dog had a change of heart, opened the door. The dog trotted past the boy’s legs, found an over-turned baseball cap, and deposited a fresh pile of processed breakfast in it. There would be no armistice after that.

We’re often like that dog, acting out our feelings toward other people. And kids are no different. In general, parents who like their children usually have children who like them.

Remember, kids do unto parents what their parents do unto them.

Kids who enjoy being around their parents, usually obey their parents and want to be like them.

Many of us made a wrong imaginative turn and imagined that our children are like Pez candy dispensers: put sweet things in and only sweet things will come out.

Maybe it’s time to re-imagine our children the way God made them.

They aren’t machines made for our convenience. Like us, they are complex characters in a God-propelled story. When we start imagining our children as complex characters in a God-propelled story, then we start treating them that way. Here are several steps to help you learn how to like your children.

• First, repent. God gave you children as a gift. If you don’t like the gift, then you’re simply ungrateful. If you don’t like the gift, then watch the One who liked them enough to make them and give them to you. What might he like about them? See them as God sees them: a divine gift. “Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward” (Ps 127:3-5 NAS). Be grateful for the gift and embrace all of it’s quirks.

• Second, learn the elements of a good story by reading good stories. Read a few of my blogs on the topic or any others (see Donald Miller and N.D. Wilson). Once you’ve done that, then you’ll be better able to assess yourself and your children in narrative terms.

• Third, study your children to see where and who they are in the story. Is he the victim, the unsung hero, the spoiled brat? and where his story seems to be heading (redemption, tragedy, climax). There’s nothing scientific about this process, but the imaginative habits you’ll build are invaluable.

• Fourth, study your child’s love language: what fills his tank? We like people who take the time to know us really well and then use that knowledge to bless us. What if we put that kind of effort into our own children? And money isn’t necessarily required. Just get to know each child such that you know the nuanced causes of their happiness, sadness, anger, and contentment.

Notice: I said nothing about bribes. Flattery and a raised allowance will achieve only temporary gains and the kids will see right through it. We want to be liked by God and by other people, maybe even by the dog, but the desire can’t trump obedience. Discipline, for example, must continue. Kids who know they are liked, not just loved, and who are faithfully disciplined will have hearts whose soft soil is ready for whatever seed God plants there. Mighty Oaks can grow from those tiny seeds.

Coming Attractions:

Next week I will share a great quote from Paul Tripp that has far reaching imaginative implications and then I will share some important imaginative mistakes we parents can make and tools to avoiding them. Thanks for joining me on this journey. I’d love your input. How can we re-imagine our kids? How has your imagination impacted the way you see your children?